No Woman's Land

My brother and his wife found out this week that they are having a boy. So let me say, "Welcome, baby boy Parker! Welcome to no woman's land."

Now, that is a little bit of a stretch. Obviously there are Parker women (somebody has to give birth). But just look at the numbers. My paternal grandparents had nine grandchildren. Only one girl. My maternal grandparents had five grandchildren. One girl.

I grew up in a house of four boys (my Father still acts like a twelve year old). Living in a world like that does something to warp your worldview. I remember one night when I was still at home, there was a knock at the door. This was later than we typically had visitors. A couple of us went to answer the door when my mom yelled for us to go away. All four of us, my dad included, were lounging about in our underwear. Not boxers, whitey-tighties. None of us understood what the big deal was.

There are distinct advantages to this kind of world. Hurt feelings are quickly dealt with (usually with some mixed martial arts). There is always someone to mow the yard. Zero spending on beauty supplies (although I did use mousse for awhile in the late eighties, and my cousin Micheal once got a perm).

Admittedly there are drawbacks. The smells (feet, under-arms, bathrooms). The inability to keep food around. The constant using of logic to prove that your feelings are completely ludicrous.

My cousin Michael has three children, two are girls. He is now the only one with more girls than boys. Subtly, we all think something must be wrong with him (the perm probably did something to him). That's how you think, when you grow up in no woman's land.

But, in the end, it is the only world I really know. I have three boys, one girl. She's praying for a sister come September. But history tells us we all know what's coming.


Here is a classic exchange from Seinfeld that fits perfectly.

ELAINE: Why do they call it a wedgie?
GEORGE: Because the underwear is pulled up from the back and ... it wedges in..
JERRY: They also have an atomic wedgie. Now the goal there is to actually get the
waistband on top of the head. Very rare.
ELAINE: Boys are sick.
JERRY: Well what do girls do ?
ELAINE: We just tease some one 'til they develop an eating disorder.